Let's Talk About Consent
- Karla Lee
- 19 hours ago
- 3 min read
It's not the conversation you think it is. Not at first. And it can't wait for the curriculum.
Another headline lands. You're scrolling while the kids are in the next room. A coach. A daycare. A field trip that should have been fine. Your throat tightens before your brain catches up to what you're reading.
Then your kid walks in for a snack and you have to assemble your face.
If that's been happening to you — this is for you. Because the question underneath the headline is the one we've been quietly avoiding. Have I said any of this to my kids yet?
Here is what I'm telling mine.
Consent is not a single conversation. It is not a single age. It is not something you cover once and check off. It is a habit you build into the everyday architecture of your house, the way you build a habit around washing hands or buckling seatbelts.
And the most important thing I want my kids to understand, earlier than I think they need to hear it, is this: consent to participate is not consent to be harmed.
Saying yes to the team is not saying yes to the coach who shouldn't be alone with you. Saying yes to the sleepover is not saying yes to whatever happens once the lights are off. Saying yes to the procedure is not saying yes to the part where nobody listens when something feels wrong. Saying yes to the field trip is not saying yes to the chaperone who lost track. Saying yes to the activity is not saying yes to the negligence.
A “yes” is a door. It is not a permission slip for everything on the other side of it.
Start before they have the words for it
With small children, the consent conversation looks nothing like what you'd expect. It starts with storytelling.
Sit with them after the playdate, after the family party, after Sunday school. Ask them to tell you what happened. Not “did you have fun.” Ask them who was there. What did you do. When did the grown-up step out of the room. Where were you when that happened. Why did Cousin so-and-so do that.
You are not interrogating. You are teaching them to be a witness to their own life. You are showing them that the details matter, and that you want all of them — the good and the strange and the part where something felt off but they don't have the words yet.
That is the foundation. Long before the word “consent” enters the conversation, the muscle of I can tell my mom the whole truth and she will believe me is being built.
Then, as they get older
The conversation evolves. Consent has limits. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, by anyone, for any reason, or for no reason at all. Consent should never be given, and never assumed, without a parent or guardian in the loop. Not in a doctor's office. Not in a coach's office. Not in a friend's basement. Not in the school clinic. Not with the guidance counselor. Not with an administrator.
It sounds simple, but this is hard for kids. It goes against everything society teaches them about obedience and compliance. Teach them anyway. Teach them that the call home is the brave thing. That the answer is NO unless a parent says yes. That the discomfort of saying stop is so much smaller than the cost of staying silent.
This is not a one-and-done speech. It is a thousand small returns to the same idea, across years. Early and often. Boring on purpose. Predictable by design. When the moment comes, and at some point, it will, the muscle is already built.
What I want them to carry
I want my kids to know that their body is the only thing in this world they get to keep their whole lives. That nobody, however senior, however trusted, however official, gets to override their gut. That the call home is always available. If I don't answer call again. If I still don't answer call another trusted adult. If no one answers, wait. I want them to know that I will believe them. And that yes, even after they've said yes, they can still say no.
I built two free conversation guides for this — one with the actual words for the safety talks every family needs, and one for parents and teens about consent online. Download the guide and you will also receive the weekly note where I keep working through these conversations alongside you. It's free for now. And it's, well, truly yours.
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