Let's Talk About Consent
- Karla Lee
- May 27
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 4
This is the conversation that is NOT in the curriculum.
We have all of these non negotiables as parents. No sleepovers. Kids always ride in an appropriate car seat. My kids ride in the back seat. I only trust my kids with a select few people. I accompany them on all field tips. We have all of these rules, and yet we don't have enough conversations around the topic of consent.
If you find yourself wondering, "Have I said any of this to my kids yet?" Here is what I'm telling mine.
Consent is not a single conversation reserved for children of a certain age. It is not something you cover once and check off. It is a habit you build into the everyday architecture of your house. This conversation should be as natural as the habit of washing hands or buckling your seat belt.
The most important thing I want my kids to understand, earlier than I think they need to hear it, is this: consent to participate is not consent to be harmed. No one deserves to be harmed as a result of consenting to participate to the ordinary activities of childhood.
Saying yes to the team is NOT saying yes to the coach who shouldn't be alone with you. Saying yes to the sleepover is NOT saying yes to whatever happens once the lights are off. Saying yes to the procedure is NOT saying yes to the part where nobody listens when something feels wrong.
Saying yes to the field trip is NOT saying yes to the chaperone who lost track.
Saying yes to the activity is NOT saying yes to the negligence.
A “yes” is a door. It is not a permission slip for everything on the other side of it.
Start before they have the words for it
With small children, the consent conversation looks nothing like what you'd expect. It starts with storytelling. Sit with them after the playdate, after the family party, after Sunday school. Ask them to tell you what happened. Not “did you have fun.” Ask them who was there. What did you do. When did the grown-up step out of the room. Where were you when that happened. Why do you think Cousin so-and-so do that? Open ended questions are your best tool.
Follow along with even the wildest stories your child tells. Overtime, you will both develop a trust and understanding around the accuracy of the account and be confident in each other's abilities. You are not interrogating. You are teaching them to be a witness to their own life. You are showing them that the details matter, and that you want all of them — the good and the strange and the part where something felt off but they don't have the words yet.
Long before the word “consent” enters the conversation, the muscle of I can tell my mom the whole truth and she will believe me is being built.
Then, as they get older
The conversation evolves. Consent has limits. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, by anyone, for any reason, or for no reason at all. Consent should never be given, and never assumed, without a parent or guardian in the loop. Not in a doctor's office. Not in a coach's office. Not in a friend's basement. Not in the school clinic. Not with the guidance counselor. Not with an administrator.
It sounds simple, but this is hard for kids. It goes against everything society teaches them about obedience and compliance. Teach them anyway. Teach them that the call home is the brave thing. That the answer is NO unless a parent says yes. Teach them that the discomfort of saying stop is so much smaller than the cost of staying silent while boundaries are crossed.
Note: Organizations and schools have a duty to operate Loco parentis, or in place of a parent/guardian in situations where the parent or guardian is unavailable. This authority is intended to apply to EMERGENCY situations but this doctrine is frequently used to infringe on the rights of children and circumvent the rights of parents. Provide instruction and examples around what constitutes an emergency and help your children understand that very few situations arise that would represent a true emergency.
This is not a one-and-done speech. It is a thousand small returns to the same idea, across years. Early and often. Boring on purpose. Predictable by design. When the moment comes, and at some point, it will, the muscle is already built.
What I want them to carry
I want my kids to know that their body and their voice are the only things in this world they get to keep their whole lives. Nobody, however senior, however trusted, however official, gets to override that voice or their instincts. The call home is ALWAYS available. If I don't answer call again. If I still don't answer, call another trusted adult. If no one answers, wait. I want them to know that I will believe them. And most importantly even after they've said yes, they can still say no.
I built two free conversation guides for this — one with the actual words for the safety talks every family needs, and one for parents and teens about consent online. Download the guide and you will also receive the weekly note where I keep working through these conversations alongside you. It's free for now. And it's, well, truly yours.
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